My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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