Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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