he told me I talked like a deaf person
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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