i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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