For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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