Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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