How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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