I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He did a backflip because drugs
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