fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
We are all done wearing pants today
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
