just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
