Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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