The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
