On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
