I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
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I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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