Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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