Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
That accounts for only three of the penises
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
