I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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