I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
