i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
