At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
