I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
