at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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