When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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