Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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