My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
