I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
