I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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