Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
