Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
