He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
