Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
