omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Someone signed my nipple.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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