1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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