I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
