i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
My liver just had a heart attack.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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