At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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