I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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