i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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