FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize