the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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