the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
