the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
