I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
