she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
