Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize