One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
