the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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