you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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