I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
