i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
