She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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