i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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