During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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