but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
