walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize