i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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