im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
