Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
