I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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