i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
My vagina just clenched in fear
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