Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize