My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
