Christians are straight up FREAKS
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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