Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
