Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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