um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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