i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
