everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
