You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
